Hopefully, you've had a few delicious dates with your new Mr or Mrs Right in your life. You feel you've found someone special and you believe this one could be the one and you're in dreamland. Now my question is, are you really compatible, or do you think you could be compatible? Have you truly satisfied yourself that you both have a lot in common on a number of different levels. If not, each of you could find yourselves in different parts of the compatible jungle (so to speak) and while thinking your on the same page with your dreamland opposite, you find when later, when its too late that in fact your not even in the same book.
Oh, but opposites attract, so some people say! But then there are people who say smoking doesn't damage your health but we all know the truth. Yes sometimes opposites so attract, but both parties to a relationship of opposites still need a lot in common, a number of shared interests, values, goals and ambitions that they can aspire to, embrace and celebrate together. Otherwise, they're not going to make it to Edward and Mrs Simpson (in reference to King Edward VIII of the United Kingdom, who gave up his throne to marry the twice-divorced American Wallis Simpson). In essence, being compatible means that you naturally tend to get on with each other. Although you may be very different, you both have similar or interrelated aims in life, the same outlooks towards life.
No matter how good the chemistry is between you, you'll find soon enough if you're hopelessly incompatible. If you cannot agree where to go, how to get there and what's going down when you arrive, it's clear you won't be together after a brief period of infatuation. Most couples discover within a few months if they are reasonably compatible, but for some it take years, to discover if you're compatible enough to build a permanent future together. Some end up just accepting that what they have is not what they want but giving up on caring or searching for something better. Well that be a good attitude when buying a car but where talking of a life partner here, do you really want second best, "it'll do type of partner"?.
Be careful here, though. On the one hand, we need to establish quickly and efficiently whether or not your new partner will shape up. On the other, we need to proceed carefully, so as not to appear obvious, pushy, or agenda-orientated. The last thing you want to do is to drive your new partner away through over-enthusiasm. Men more than women are generally scared of an over enthusiastic woman, this is due to a woman being more open with there emotional feelings. There is nothing wrong with this, its just that men take a little more time to catch up. But for women and as well as men its extremely important to exercise restraint when sharing your hopes and dreams of a future together with the one you want. Neither person should push the relationship along, it should be driven more naturally than by force. So just be aware all relationships, during the delicate early stages - typically three weeks to six months are on an emotional tight-rope, trying to keep a good balance between family, friends, work and each-other. You can't afford to allow yourself to be side-tracked down an emotional cul-de-sac by proceeding too cautiously, but you don't want your lover to do a runner because he or she feels pressurized and overwhelmed by you.
Back to compatibility subject, its said that most of us have cultural beliefs and values, even if we aren't necessarily conscious of them. We tend to feel comfortable with people whose views correspond very much with our own. Compatibility is firmly connected with past experiences and future expectations (as a result of our past experiences and up-bringing determines the way in which we conduct our relationships and ultimately our desires for the future.) Being comfortable with someone first is a must. It is this positive identification with someone that makes us feel relaxed and of which sets the scene for compatibility. . That said, two people could still be compatible although their origins and life experiences would appear to set them apart. Cultural differences can be overcome if there is a true understanding of these differences and a genuine desire and attraction to make things work.
The perceived wisdom of thousands, upon thousands of relationship books (I do not exaggerate) would seem to suggest there are certain key elements related to people's backgrounds that presuppose they are more likely to be compatible with some people rather than others. For instance, if you are courting someone of approximately the same age from a similar social, ethnic, religious and educational background, you are more likely to have the appropriate mix of characteristics that could combine to build long-term durability into a relationship. But these characteristics are by no means the only indicators of probable compatibility. Other factors that can greatly influence the overall balance of harmony in a relationship include variable determinants like personal development and the study of how meaningful relationships work, along with the degree of conviction each partner holds that this relationship should be made to flourish and prosper.
Without doubt, the least visible and most critical aspects of compatibility to pinpoint and assess are the private dreams and expectations of each partner, because these are often held close to the heart. Some couples whose marriages collapse or whose relationships fall apart have been together for ages, without ever coming clean and discussing with each other their private dreams and expectations of life together. Honest communication with each is a very important key component.
Other classic compatibility problems that crop up repeatedly in relationship counselling include significant age differences between partners, long-distance romances and widely differing social, ethnic, religious or educational backgrounds between the parties. Instead of cautioning you, I propose to encourage you to concentrate on your strengths-those aspects of compatibility that excite you and unite you. In all the compatibility complexity there are some people who crave for the opposite, who are excited by the differences, but this is just a few and of this few, not many succeed long term.
So most importantly you must be certain that you are not kidding yourself about what you do and do not have in common with your new partner. In order to find out how much real compatibility you enjoy in the relationship already, I want you to consider the following, ticking the appropriate boxes to indicate either a 'Yes' answer or a known area of compatibility that exists between you.
I realize that you may have been dating for only a short period and some of the questions will strike you as premature at this early stage in the relationship. Simply skip those questions. Different relationships gain momentum at different paces, these questions will give you food for thought.
Compatibility confirmations
1) Are you of the same social/ethnic background?
2) Do you belong to the same religious background?
3) Do you come from the same educational background?
4) Is the age difference less than five years?
5) Do you live less than three hours travelling time (door-to-door) away from each other?
6) Do you enjoy each others choice of restaurants, music, entertainment, etc?
7) Do you share similar dreams, goals and ambitions? Can you make each other laugh?
8) Are you at the same stage in your lives in terms of wanting to settle down?
9) Do you appreciate each other's attitude to life in general?
10) Can you handle each other's moods?
11) Do you naturally gel together (most of the time)?
12) If you have routine chores, are you happy with the way you split your chores?
13) Do you agree about having/not having children in the future?
14) Are you naturally supportive of each other?
15) Do you have a basis for believing that you might have a future together? What are the reasons?
16) Do you tell each other the truth (exuding innocent little white lies)?
17) Do you enjoy a good level of communication with each other most of the time?
18) Do you have a workable mechanism for solving problems and resolving arguments? How easy are they solved?
19) Do you both feel the need to put things right fast after an almighty ding-dong?
20) Is each of you happy with the way the other handles their financial affairs?
21) Do you have, or do you believe you will have, a satisfying sex life?
22) Can you confirm that you are not hiding something important from your partner?
23) Do you both feel able to discuss your innermost thoughts, desires and ambitions?
24) Are you affectionate towards each other?
25) Do you enjoy lengthy, lazy, talkative meals at home with each other?
26) Do you indulge your partner with impromptu treats or surprises?
27) Are you both sure that each of you wants a meaningful, long-term relationship?
28) Do you agree, or, if it is premature to ask, are you are likely to agree on family matters, etc?
29) Do you have any special hobbies or pastimes you enjoy participating in together?
30) Are you each comfortable with the way the other looks, dresses, talks and touches you?
31) Do you both put time and effort into keeping the relationship fresh and exciting?
32) Do you get on well with each other's relatives, friends and children (if applicable)?
33) Do you feel that there is a healthy, reasonably equal balance of power in the relationship?
Now, before reading on, I want you to list, in order of importance to you personally, the six most significant things you have in common with your new partner.
Did you find it easy to write down six? Could you readily have included more? Good! Things are going in the right direction. Or did you find it difficult? If you had to struggle to find six, I think you'll know that it's not good news. Perhaps it's time for a rethink, well in-fact do you really need to think. Don't spend your time wishing that it'll change for the better, life is too short. Don't live your life unhappy!! Yes, the sex is great! But it's not enough for you to stay... Be warned lust and infatuation does not make a relationship. Lust does not last forever. Enjoy what you're getting if that's what you want but don't fool yourself into thinking you're having a relationship in the proper sense of the word. Keep your brain clear, don't become blind from seeing the imperfections in your relationship.
I am not saying it's easy to back off, sometimes it's the hardest thing to do. You may feel that this person has enough to offer to justify you taking a risk and that if you give him/her up there may be no one else who can offer you better. Should you decide to go ahead against the signals, should you decide to except second best, go against the advice I have given then I genuinely wish you luck and happiness, but be aware that the chances are you'll break up in due course and when it happens, then someone's heart will be broken. I hope its not yours. Live life and be happy.
